Friday 22 September 2017

The CUJO System Is A Guard Dog You Don’t Have To Feed

This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.

Do you remember the 1999 Disney Channel movie Smart House? It’s the story of a young nerdy boy who wins a “smart home,” and then programs said home to be a surrogate wife for his dad in an effort to keep him from getting remarried. Yeah, the premise was shaky at best, and the presumed visual of a grown man, umm … “having relations” with a vacuum socket isn’t pretty. But we bring this up because smart homes might soon become standard fare. And unless you want to get browbeaten by a deranged toaster oven, you’re going to need help. Luckily for you, the brilliant minds behind CUJO have the solution.

What’s a CUJO?

Besides a dog that would eat your face completely off, CUJO is a fearsome firewall device that aggressively safeguards against cyber attackers. But what makes CUJO more than just a piece of antivirus software is that it is designed for interconnected living. CUJO will monitor everything in your network from your Amazon Echo to your phones and tablets to your smart light bulbs and smart refrigerators. Think of it like the cyber-lock for your smart home and all of the smart devices within. And I just realized how much I love saying the word “smart.” Smart, smart, smart, smart, smart.

Great, but why would I need to monitor my light bulbs?

It used to be that hackers targeted PCs and mobile devices to harvest a person’s user information. But now, with the rise of home automation and smart devices, everything you can imagine collects data that can be used to hurt someone. The light bulbs, for example, can be hacked to find out when you’re likely to be away from home. Your Amazon Echo can be hacked to surveil your private conversations. And if the Penguin could hack the Batmobile in 1992, then you can best believe a modern-day hacker can take control of your twice-refurbished smart car while you’re behind the wheel. CUJO, however, would thwart the Penguin instantly — we’re assuming by biting his face completely off.

How does it work?

For being the ultimate protector of your everything, CUJO is actually pretty easy to use. You simply plug the device directly into your wireless router with a standard Ethernet cable. CUJO will then guide you through the setup process on its app, which is so simple that even people who still have TV antennas should be able to follow it. CUJO will then review and encrypt its data before sending statistics on that data (but not the data itself) to the cloud for further analysis. If a threat is detected, you’ll get a notification in the app letting you know what was blocked and why.

What’s the deal with the App, again?

In addition to keeping tabs on connected devices, the CUJO app allows full control over internet access for those devices. It’s a great way to set up parental controls for kids during homework time, or to curb your own PlayStation habit when it starts getting in the way of remembering to eat. Should you want to lift an automated block, CUJO offers a manual override that keeps you in control 24/7. Plus, look how pretty it looks.

All right, how much?

Much like other ever-vigilant security service, such as OnStar or the Terminator, CUJO is always updating to adapt to the latest threats. For this reason, CUJO is subscription-based. Regular pricing includes $99 for the device and a flexible service plan that ranges from $9 a month to a onetime $150 charge for a lifetime subscription. On any other day, you’re likely to pay $250 total for the optimal CUJO experience, but purchase CUJO from the Cracked shop, and you’ll get it for the special price of $224.99.

Anything else?

Uh, that’s pretty much it. Maybe don’t try to have relations with your smart home. It’s gross and you’ll end up as the basis for a Disney Channel Movie. Plus, Cujo has special senses for that sort of thing, and will burst out of a closet and eat your face completely off.

You can purchase a lifetime subscription to CUJO for $224.99 here.

For more ways to keep your safe space safe, check out the VPN Unlimited: Lifetime Subscription and the Sinji Panoramic Smart WiFi Camera.

Or go totally white hat with How To Hack For The Good Guys With The Cracked Store. We believe in you.

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/

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Wednesday 20 September 2017

Video of cop taking money out of hot dog vendor’s wallet sparks outrage

An incident between a University of California Berkeley police officer and a local hot dog vendor has quickly gone viral after video shows the officer writing a ticket and sifting through the vendor’s wallet to take his money.

The video was posted by a man named Martin Flores on Facebook on Saturday evening as he was trying to buy a hot dog from the man he identified as Juan.

According to Berkeleyside, Flores began filming after Officer Sean Aranas started citing Juan for vending without a license. His Facebook video had been viewed more than 11.5 million times before the post apparently was deleted.

In the video, Flores continuously says, “That’s not right,” and Aranas responds at first by saying, “That’s how it works.” A few seconds later, Aranas says, “We’ll take it to the judge, and the judge can decide whether it’s right” and “This is law and order in action.”

Observers began to heckle Flores, who told the crowd, “I’m working for you.”

UC Berkeley police told KTVU that it was targeting unregulated street vendors who don’t have a permit to sell food. Police also told the TV station that the vendor’s money was booked as evidence.

“We are aware of the incident,” UC Berkeley spokesman Dan Mogulof told Berkeleyside on Sunday evening. “The officer was tasked with enforcing violations related to vending without a permit on campus. UCPD is looking into the matter.”

A UC Berkeley Police spokesperson on Monday morning told the Daily Dot that they are also “aware of the incident” and said the police department would have more to say later in the day, which Mogulof confirmed to the Daily Dot.

According to online records, the vendor was cited for violating the Berkeley Municipal Code for vending without a license at 5:32pm PT just outside California Memorial Stadium during a Cal-Weber State football game. Juan was the only person cited for that alleged violation on Saturday.

In response, Flores started a GoFundMe account for Juan, and at the time of this writing, 2,378 donors have raised more than $34,000.

“The funds raised will be utilized to cover legal and personal loses,” Flores wrote on the page. “In addition, funds in excess are to cover other vendors who have been robbed of their hard-earned living through citations and removal of their carts … We will ensure that Juan has his personal, legal and professional matters addressed. Juan is a symbol of the injustice that takes place to street vendors.”

Another online petition was created to force the police department to remove Aranas from his job, accusing him of “continuously target minorities in the community.” As of this writing, nearly 13,000 had signed it.

“The only beautiful thing here is there is a lot of community support,” Flores told the Daily Californian. “Juan will … benefit from those funds … whether it’s getting a car, getting a permit, whatever is the applicable thing to address the issue.”

Update 9:15am CT, Sept. 12: Scott Biddy, vice chancellor of Berkeley, released a statement saying that the school cares about the well-being of those from “marginalized communities of color,” it is reviewing the incident, and he has instructed the University of California Police Department to open a complaint investigation. He then provided context for the situation:

“We have instructed our officers to monitor illegal vending outside our event venues. This action has been motivated at least in part by issues of public health, the interests of local small businesses, and even human trafficking. In addition, while I cannot comment on the specifics of this particular case, our practice is to issue warnings before giving a citation. In a case such as this, it is typical to collect any suspected illegal funds and enter them into evidence.”

In a Q&A portion of the statement, the school said that $60 was taken from the vendor by the officer, which was “seized as evidence of the suspected proceeds of the violation and booked into evidence.”

Read more: http://www.dailydot.com/

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Monday 18 September 2017

Millions of Pounds of Hot Dogs Recalled Over Contamination Fears

Hot dog maker Sabrett has announced the recall of more than seven million pounds of hot dog products after consumers reported finding bones in the food. The recall was initiated after customers reported small pieces of bone and cartilage being found in these products, the company said on its website. At that time, staff immediately investigated and identified an issue that could have allowed this to occur, and an equipment installation issue was quickly addressed, the statement said. A total of 7,196,084 pounds of food manufactured from March 17 through July 4 and distributed nationwide is subject to the recall. The USDAs Food Safety Inspection Service issued its own statement, noting that there had been one reported minor oral injury from the contaminated food.

Read more: http://www.thedailybeast.com

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Thursday 14 September 2017

Cop Shoots Two Emotional Support Dogs Claiming They ‘Charged’ Him But Video Says Otherwise!

A police officer shot two emotional support dogs on Saturday, claiming that the animals charged at him — but video shared by the dogs’ owner indicates otherwise!

Ciroc (pictured above) and Rocko were in the gated backyard of their Minneapolis home when two cops came to the residence in response to a false burglary call.

Photo: Pregnant Dog Is GLOWING In This Maternity Shoot!

One officer hopped the fence to the yard and, according to the police report, was charged at by “two large size pitbulls.” Michael Mays, one of the responding officers, wrote in an initial report:

“While staging at the rear, two large size pitbulls charged at officer. Officer dispatched the two dogs, causing them to run back into the residence.”

But video uploaded by owner Jennifer LeMay seems to contradict the officer’s account.

The now-deleted Facebook video reportedly shows Ciroc calmly taking several steps in the direction of the officer — and even wagging his tail — before the officer appears to shoot the dog, causing him to stumble before scrambling away.

The second dog, Rocko, then briefly comes into view, and the officer is seen firing at the dog before the animal scurries off, apparently limping. Speaking to the Minneapolis-Star Tribune, LeMay said:

“Video surveillance doesn’t lie. [The first dog] wasn’t even moving, lunging toward him or anything My dogs were doing their job on my property.”

LeMay and her family were off on a camping trip while a friend was looking after the dogs. LeMay’s two daughters came home early and accidentally set off the security alarm, causing the police to respond.

Related: Lena Dunham Accused Of Fabricating Former Dog’s History Of Abuse

Police said they are investigating the incident and plan to review the video. Police Chief Jene Harteau said in a statement:

“I’ve watched the video, and as someone whose family has included dogs most of my life, I can say that it was difficult to watch. This was an outcome that no one wanted.”

A GoFundMe page has been created to cover medical bills for the injured Staffordshire terriers. Ciroc was shot in the jaw — and awaiting surgery that could run up to $7,000 — while Rocko has wounds to one side, face and shoulder.

Our hearts go out to these wounded pooches and hope they have a speedy recovery!

[Image via GoFundMe.]

Read more: http://perezhilton.com/

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Friday 8 September 2017

Inside The Secret Epidemic Of Cops Shooting Dogs

In the U.S., police shoot at dogs more often than they shoot at anything else. On today’s episode of Cracked Gets Personal, hosts Robert Evans and Brandon Johnson try to find out why. You’ll hear from dog owners who lost their beloved pets, as well as a police officer who was mauled by a dog while we try to unravel just why so many cops are shooting dogs.

Light bulbs stuck in butts! Heroin-induced erectile dysfunction! War vets taking Molly to quell their PTSD! It’s never too late to catch up on the first few episodes of Cracked Gets Personal.

Click here to subscribe to Cracked Gets Personal on Apple Podcasts or search for it your podcast app of choice.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/

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Tuesday 5 September 2017

This Little Boy Rescued A Three-Legged Dog. The Bond Between Them Is Remarkable

When we hear stories about rescue animals, we often think about them just being about the animal that’s no longer in a shelter. Sometimes, however, the stories involve more than one rescue. Sometimes the animal helps the person who adopts it just as much as its new owner. 

Take the story of Owen and Haatchi. Owen, a young boy with a rare medical condition he was self-conscious about in public, needed a friend. Haatchi, a dog whose abusive early years left him missing a leg and his tail, needed someone to love. Together these two souls have built a bond of friendship that has helped them both overcome some of the darkest elements of their lives. Enjoy. 

Read more: http://www.wimp.com/

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Dog Hides An Entire Sandwich In His Mouth

A lot of us learn the hard way – dogs will eat just about anything. When they’re puppies, they find out what’s edible by, well, eating it. Shoes, rugs, rocks, underwear and anything else they can get their teeth on gets tested, both out of curiosity and as a way to soothe their aching gums. While their permanent teeth should be present at about eight months of age, it often takes much longer to break them of their chewing habits. There’s no cure-all solution, but keeping the house picked up and a variety of bones and toys on hand goes a long way.

However, some dogs just aren’t satiated by even the fanciest treats or squeakiest toys. What they really want is whatever you have, especially when it comes to food. When the dog in this video was left alone with an entire sandwich, the temptation was too much. Whether he was feeling too guilty to actually eat it or was “holding” it for safekeeping, we’ll never know. 

Read more: http://www.wimp.com/

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Monday 4 September 2017

Dogs Are Better Than People!

This is the cutest thing!!!

Ch-ch-check out that AH-Mazing moment (below)!!!

Awww!!!

Dogs love so unconditionally… they are too good for us humans!!

Related: Jenny Slate Perfectly Sums Up Donald Trump!

Isn’t that the cutest thing you’ve ever seen??

Now if we only knew what he’d been shooting for ten weeks… Hmm…

[Image via Apega/WENN.]

Read more: http://perezhilton.com/

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Saturday 2 September 2017

Miranda Lambert Has Rescued Over A Hundred Dogs From Her Hurricane-Ravaged Home State Of Texas!

Yasss!

We are loving seeing all of these celebs donating money to the Hurricane Harvey relief effort. But when it’s your home state, there’s something about getting boots on the ground.

Together with volunteers, Miranda has rescued over 112 dogs, 38 cats, and 21 other pets, bringing them from flooded and damaged shelters to dry, safe ones in neighboring Oklahoma.

Ch-ch-check out some of the incredibly sweet pics she shared of the puppies and people looking out for them (below)!

Keep up the good work, Miranda!

[Image via Instagram.]

Read more: http://perezhilton.com/

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Animal Control Took This Veterans Dogs After His Heart AttackWhen He Goes to Get Them Back

His dogs were taken from him because he couldn’t take care of them, but when he went to get them back, he NEVER expected this to happen…

According to apost shared by Facebook user Scott Johnsonon Christmas, this veteran received the surprise of a lifetime after he recovered from aheart attack and went to get his dogs back from Animal Control. The post reads:

“This vet had a heart attack back in September and Animal Control took his dogs since he couldn’t take care of them. Since the man took so long to get better, the shelter sterilized the dogs and put them up for adoption. Now 3 months later, he’s finally back on his feet. He visited them and put down a deposit (since he didn’t have enough money for the full adoption fee). After seeing their reunion a bunch of volunteers got together and donated enough money to pay the full adoption fee and some extra, as well as dog food, treats, etc. This video is him finding out he gets to get his dogs back.”

Watch hisbeautiful emotional reaction as he finds out that his dogs have already been paid for in full.

Read more: http://www.faithit.com

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Friday 1 September 2017

Tuesday 29 August 2017

Conservatives beat WeRateDogs at their own progressive game with ADORABLE (and smart!) dogs

Bonded Dogs Reunite After Months Apart

It might sound crazy, but when bonded dogs enter an animal shelter, one of the first tasks is to begin their separation process. The chance that they will be adopted together is low, so it’s best for both animals to learn to live without each other as soon as possible. The thought of dog friends being pulled apart is absolutely devastating to us, but do dogs really care? After a few weeks or months they probably forget all about their old pal, right?

Not according to Abby and Otto. The duo was separated at a shelter and adopted to different owners, but their story doesn’t end there. The bizarre coincidences that brought them back together leave no doubt that these two were meant to be together. 

Read more: http://www.wimp.com/

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Time bell loses all meaning to candidates; Dogs driven insane

Dog accidentally runs US half-marathon, finishes in an impressive seventh place

Read more: http://imgur.com/

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Lost Dogs Who Finally Found Their Way Home

Losing a dog can be devastating. Those loveable troublemakers sometimes just can’t help themselves when they find an opportunity to explore or follow a scent, and their instincts overwhelm their minimally present common sense.

If you have a dog that just has to follow his nose every once in a while, make sure you’ve taken steps to ensure his safe return. A sturdy collar with tags indicating his medical status and also his name and contact info will let people know how to reach his person when they find him. The collar will also let them know this is someone’s loved pet. But collars aren’t foolproof, so make sure to get your dog microchipped by your veterinarian. This small device placed under your dog’s skin can’t fall off and can be read by any shelter or vet using a special scanner.

Read more: http://www.wimp.com/

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Monday 28 August 2017

Four Barking Dogs And A Gate

You can conduct a lot from this video uploaded by Marcus V. Jacob to the human species…

“We’re all tough… until the gate is open.”

Read more: http://www.viralviralvideos.com

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18 Then and Now Photos of Puppies/Dogs That Will Restore Your Faith in Everything

Kiersten Amber really summed it up best:
 

Dogs are the best everybody knows that! In fact, @tinatbh sums up this follow-up sentiment quite nicely:
 

Below you will find a gallery that is sure to put a smile on your face. If you’re still feeling glum by the end of this post, scroll to the top and go through them again 🙂

[h/t Bored Panda]

1.

Photographs via jimmybero

2.

Photographs via Lerchasaurus

3.

Photographs via reddit

4.

Photographs via Irina Werning

5.

Photographs via emmareddit

6.

Photographs via Imgur

7.

Photographs via Imgur

8.

Photographs via justinmillerco

9.

Photographs via The Eslinger Family

10.

Photographs via Jennifer610

11.

Photographs via The_Grim_Sleaper

12.

Photographs via Cute Overload

13.

Photographs via AlmaGordo

14.

Photographs via wojtek9000

15.

Photographs via BraveSirWobin

16.

Photographs via Bored Panda

17.

Photographs via FalconPunchh

18.

Photographs via smiffy86

Read more: http://twistedsifter.com/

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This Farmer Told the Little Boy Not to Buy the Disabled Dog. The Boys Reply? Priceless.

The farmer said, He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.…He wasn’t expecting the little boy to come back with this.

There once was a farmer who had some puppies he needed to sell, so he painted a sign advertising his 4 pups and staked it near the edge of his yard. As we went to nail the sign to the last post, he felt atug on his overalls.

He looked down into the beaming eyes of a little boy wearing abig smile.

Mister, he said, I want to buy one of your puppies.

Well, said the farmer, these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.

The boy hunghis head for a moment. Then, he reached deep down into his pocket, pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.Ivegot thirty-nine cents, he said. “Is that enough to take a look?

Sure, said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle and called out Dolly. Here Dolly!

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy’s eyes danced with delight.

But as the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticedsomething else making a stirinside the doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller.

Down the ramp it slid. Then in a awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up

I want that one, the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boys side and said, Son, you dont want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. As he did so,he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially-made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, You see sir, I dont run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands.

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

How much? asked the little boy.

No charge, answered the farmer, Theres no charge for love.

Read more: http://www.faithit.com

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The Dogs Of The Internet Have To Suffer Through Mean Comments Too

When you’re a famous YouTuber, and sharing the fame with your dogs, you kind of can expect for them to get some hate too. It’s part of the job (unfortunately), and what better way to deal with them then to debunk them all? Or you could embrace them and have a laughor two as well.

Read more: http://www.viralviralvideos.com

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The Internet Is FREAKING Out Over This 5-Yr-Old Who Crashed a Princess Party in Her Hot Dog Costume

“In a world of princesses, dare to be a hot dog.”

Most princesses are glammed out in tiaras, tutus and sparkly shoesbut one daring5-year-old just gaveDisney a ketchup and mustard makeover when she showed up to a princess party dressed as a hot dog.

Five-year-old Ainsley of North Carolina wanted to wear her favorite costume to princess week at the Holly Springs School of Dance. Frankly, it was pretty flippin’ amazing.

Ainsley’steacher, Sarah Nativi, told BuzzFeed, “She loves princesses, but she wanted to be original and wear a hot dog costume instead. She wore a princess costume underneath it and said she was a princess on the inside!”

What Ainsley didn’t anticipate is the whirlwind of viral attention that spawned from her bold move. Shenow hasfans across the globe praising her for going against the grain.

As stated by one, “In a world of princesses, dare to be a hot dog.”

Though her dad wasn’t quite ready for his daughter to be trending under the hashtag #hotdogprincess, he couldn’t be prouder of his little Oscar Meyer wiener.

“Her parents and I agree that it’s a great message for young girls and they are, as I can imagine, very proud of Ainsley,” said Nativi.

Read more: http://www.faithit.com

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Cat Meets Fifty Dogs At Dog Show

 

Read more: http://www.viralviralvideos.com

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This Picture of a Dog With Ham on Its Head Asking for Prayers Has Over 100,00 Facebook Shares

Read more: http://failblog.cheezburger.com

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Baby Adorably Joins Dogs In Howling

And now his cute baby son has joined in on the action. So cute!

 

Read more: http://www.viralviralvideos.com

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A photo of a dog wearing pants just settled the internet’s greatest debate

Read more: http://www.dailydot.com/

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Afraid No More: Watch This Man Deliberately Step In Dog Shit

Ready to be totally inspired? This incredible video proves that if you believe in yourself, you can find the bravery you need to achieve any dream. Watch as this man confronts one of his biggest phobias and demonstrates that he isnt scared anymore.

Read more: http://www.clickhole.com/features/news/

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‘The dog ate my FOIA’: Obama admin’s ‘historic’ transparency level is truly record-setting!

Three-legged U.S. Marine Corps dog honored for bravery #PDSADickinMedal

Sunday 27 August 2017

Move over Mad Dog Mattis! Jenna Jameson has a BRUTAL suggestion for defeating terrorism

Weird Girl Explains Why Women Should Have Sex With Dogs

Do you remember in sex education when the teacher was informing you about how to practice safe sex to avoid pregnancy or STDs, and then said if you really want to be safe then the best thing to do is just have sex with your dog? No, nor do I, but this seems to be the screwed up advice that this girl is offering.

It has to be fake, right? Surely this girl is tolling us. We hope so, but it’s kind of hard to tell. She nonchalantly reels of the ten reasons why you should have sex with a caninewhilst giggling and stroking her dog.

Reasons include it being legal in some states, it’s convenient, it’s safe, and it’s been happening for hundreds of years. To top it all of she says that dogs don’t complain. Seriously, she has to be trolling us.

Someone please buy her a vibrator for Christmas.

–>

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When It’s Not A Hotdog….It’s A Cold Dog

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6 Things You Learn Training, And Owning, Service Dogs

If you’re old, sick, or disabled, we have the perfect solution for you: Get a dog! Of course, that’s our solution for every problem, but an educated service dog might work especially well in your case. Humans have been breeding dogs for thousands of years for every dumbshit task we no longer feel like doing ourselves, but it wasn’t until the past century that we began training them to help people with physical or mental disabilities who can’t manage their daily lives alone.

We sat down with a few people who train service dogs, as well as a few who own service dogs and rely on them every day. As usual, what we discovered is more interesting — and more ridiculous — than we would have guessed …

#6. You Can Bring Your Pet Anywhere — If You Call It A Service Animal

Service dogs are allowed to go places that normally do not allow animals, such as planes, restaurants, the movie theater, and Discovery Zone. They’re allowed this special privilege because they’ve been trained and certified as official helper animals. But, let’s say you want to bring your bulldog or condor or whatever into the movie theater with you — how do you go about getting them certified as helper animals? Well, here’s how to do it: 1) Get a sheet of paper; 2) write “THIS IS A SERVICE DOG” on it in crayon. Your new document means exactly as much as any service dog certificate.

Yeah, “certifications” can be purchased online for a fee, even if your dog has no training whatsoever. As a result, when you see someone with a supposed service animal, it might be specially trained to help them with a legitimate disorder. It might be an “emotional support animal” for a bullshit problem they made up. Or, it might be any random pet because the owner may be an asshole. And that majorly pisses off people such as Colin Wong, who genuinely needs his guide dog every time he leaves the house.

Colin recalls going to a department store one time with his dog, Wednesday, whom he got from Guide Dogs for the Blind, and getting attacked by another dog patrolling the aisles. Stories of guide dogs getting mauled by other dogs are disturbingly common, because of people like the owner of the dog who attacked Wednesday. That owner insisted it was normal for his “service dog” to attack other dogs all the time. “It’s clearly not your service dog!” countered Colin. “Service dogs are conditioned not to attack other dogs. That’s like day one of service dog school!”

Day two is conditioning them not to set up illegal cock-fighting rings.

Unfortunately, thanks to fraud service dogs, there is some mistrust of all people with service animals, even legitimate ones. Wednesday escapes scrutiny because Colin is clearly blind, as is obvious to anyone who doesn’t share his disability. But let’s next introduce you to Raven Richard-Bordeau, who gets harassed all the time about Dyson, his Mexican hairless dog who accompanies him wherever he goes. Raven has clinically diagnosed depression and anxiety, and doctors recognize his need for a companion animal such as Dyson, but that doesn’t stop store clerks and restaurant hostesses from constantly calling shenanigans on him. They routinely ask him to produce Dyson’s certification papers. Dyson does have a certificate, but Raven doesn’t carry it around on his person everywhere he goes, and you’re legally not allowed to demand to see it.

Although, if you get caught with a fake service animal in the state of Florida, you can be thrown in jail for your dickitry, so maybe bring along the certificate just in case.

“I’m sorry, but that dog looks Kenyan, ma’am.”

#5. Some Service Dogs Can Smell Medical Conditions

Not all service dogs lead people safely through traffic or keep them from having a panic attack in a public place. Dogs have a sense of smell that borders on magic, and various law enforcement agencies have been using them for years to sniff out illegal drugs, bomb-making materials, and unregistered mutants. Sherry Mers, a dog trainer from Colorado, recognized the potential for service dogs to be used to sniff out common fatal allergens such as peanuts. Pretty soon, her dogs were licensed as medical service animals and were accompanying kids to school to sniff out and steer them from any toxic allergens. Except, well, some families claim their service dogs they got can’t spot peanuts at all, so, um, maybe test your pooch out before shelling out the 20 grand to bring one home.

And once they’re out of the packaging, they lose all value.

Other medical service dogs are trained to sniff out things that we didn’t even know had a scent. For example, hypo alert dogs are trained to detect when a diabetic’s blood glucose goes too high or low. “The running theory,” says Raven, “is they can smell or otherwise sense the changes in their person’s sugar levels,” but no one exactly understands what’s going on here. Scientists have tried their own means of measuring blood sugar noninvasively using a breathalyzer, but we haven’t quite hammered out the kinks yet, forcing diabetics to constantly stab themselves with needles in order to test themselves. Yet, medical service dogs can detect blood sugar quicker and more accurately than even our best machines with just their noses. And they alert you to danger by licking you awake, which is a function that most medical devices will not perform.

And then we have dogs such as Patra, a rottweiler/German shepherd mix from Missouri who could sense when her owner is about to have a seizure. She would warn her owner with an urgent nudge behind the knee 15 minutes before an impending seizure (some other seizure dogs are able to sense it hours beforehand). Nobody trains dogs to do this — some of them are just born with the ability.

Seizures suck, but getting a heads up and
licks/nuzzles to help recovery sucks less.

As for the others, well …

#4. Some Dogs Are Too Stupid To Be Service Animals

As with any program that requires hundreds of hours of demanding training, there are some washouts who can’t make the cut. Take Virgil the chocolate poodle, who spent much of 2012 training as an assistance dog for autistic kids. Virgil seemed to do fine in preliminary classes, but then the final exam rolled around, overseen by an administrator flown in from another city and held in a million-square-foot suburban mall on a Saturday afternoon. This is a less-than-ideal set of circumstances for all but the most obedient of dogs — a fact that Virgil emphatically proved by thunderously failing his exam.

The first part of the test, recalls his trainer Francey, consisted of basic commands, and a bunch of kids running around the mall proved much too distracting for Virgil’s concentration. Next came “behavioral obedience,” which consisted of the examiner dropping a scoop of ice cream next to the dog’s tail to see if he could resist eating it, which Virgil could not. Then came the part of the test wherein Virgil had to walk without Francey to see how he handled the separation, while Francey observed from a distance. Virgil responded by taking a shuddering dump on the shiny linoleum floor, which is an immediate disqualification (the vest that service animals wear is supposed to impart on them that it’s not pooping time, and that’s a big reason they’re allowed places other animals aren’t).

He’s still a good boy — just not at that job.

And so the career of Virgil the service dog came to a sudden, irrevocable end. Nowadays, he attacks hair clips and barks at toothbrushes as a D-list YouTube celebrity, which honestly is a better career trajectory than any human being who has shit themselves in public could expect.

Keep in mind, their standards for behavior have to be high because some of these dogs are in charge of saving their owners’ lives. For instance …

If you’re old, sick, or disabled, we have the perfect solution for you: Get a dog! Of course, that’s our solution for every problem, but an educated service dog might work especially well in your case. Humans have been breeding dogs for thousands of years for every dumbshit task we no longer feel like doing ourselves, but it wasn’t until the past century that we began training them to help people with physical or mental disabilities who can’t manage their daily lives alone.

We sat down with a few people who train service dogs, as well as a few who own service dogs and rely on them every day. As usual, what we discovered is more interesting — and more ridiculous — than we would have guessed …

#6. You Can Bring Your Pet Anywhere — If You Call It A Service Animal

Service dogs are allowed to go places that normally do not allow animals, such as planes, restaurants, the movie theater, and Discovery Zone. They’re allowed this special privilege because they’ve been trained and certified as official helper animals. But, let’s say you want to bring your bulldog or condor or whatever into the movie theater with you — how do you go about getting them certified as helper animals? Well, here’s how to do it: 1) Get a sheet of paper; 2) write “THIS IS A SERVICE DOG” on it in crayon. Your new document means exactly as much as any service dog certificate.

Yeah, “certifications” can be purchased online for a fee, even if your dog has no training whatsoever. As a result, when you see someone with a supposed service animal, it might be specially trained to help them with a legitimate disorder. It might be an “emotional support animal” for a bullshit problem they made up. Or, it might be any random pet because the owner may be an asshole. And that majorly pisses off people such as Colin Wong, who genuinely needs his guide dog every time he leaves the house.

Colin recalls going to a department store one time with his dog, Wednesday, whom he got from Guide Dogs for the Blind, and getting attacked by another dog patrolling the aisles. Stories of guide dogs getting mauled by other dogs are disturbingly common, because of people like the owner of the dog who attacked Wednesday. That owner insisted it was normal for his “service dog” to attack other dogs all the time. “It’s clearly not your service dog!” countered Colin. “Service dogs are conditioned not to attack other dogs. That’s like day one of service dog school!”

Day two is conditioning them not to set up illegal cock-fighting rings.

Unfortunately, thanks to fraud service dogs, there is some mistrust of all people with service animals, even legitimate ones. Wednesday escapes scrutiny because Colin is clearly blind, as is obvious to anyone who doesn’t share his disability. But let’s next introduce you to Raven Richard-Bordeau, who gets harassed all the time about Dyson, his Mexican hairless dog who accompanies him wherever he goes. Raven has clinically diagnosed depression and anxiety, and doctors recognize his need for a companion animal such as Dyson, but that doesn’t stop store clerks and restaurant hostesses from constantly calling shenanigans on him. They routinely ask him to produce Dyson’s certification papers. Dyson does have a certificate, but Raven doesn’t carry it around on his person everywhere he goes, and you’re legally not allowed to demand to see it.

Although, if you get caught with a fake service animal in the state of Florida, you can be thrown in jail for your dickitry, so maybe bring along the certificate just in case.

“I’m sorry, but that dog looks Kenyan, ma’am.”

#5. Some Service Dogs Can Smell Medical Conditions

Not all service dogs lead people safely through traffic or keep them from having a panic attack in a public place. Dogs have a sense of smell that borders on magic, and various law enforcement agencies have been using them for years to sniff out illegal drugs, bomb-making materials, and unregistered mutants. Sherry Mers, a dog trainer from Colorado, recognized the potential for service dogs to be used to sniff out common fatal allergens such as peanuts. Pretty soon, her dogs were licensed as medical service animals and were accompanying kids to school to sniff out and steer them from any toxic allergens. Except, well, some families claim their service dogs they got can’t spot peanuts at all, so, um, maybe test your pooch out before shelling out the 20 grand to bring one home.

And once they’re out of the packaging, they lose all value.

Other medical service dogs are trained to sniff out things that we didn’t even know had a scent. For example, hypo alert dogs are trained to detect when a diabetic’s blood glucose goes too high or low. “The running theory,” says Raven, “is they can smell or otherwise sense the changes in their person’s sugar levels,” but no one exactly understands what’s going on here. Scientists have tried their own means of measuring blood sugar noninvasively using a breathalyzer, but we haven’t quite hammered out the kinks yet, forcing diabetics to constantly stab themselves with needles in order to test themselves. Yet, medical service dogs can detect blood sugar quicker and more accurately than even our best machines with just their noses. And they alert you to danger by licking you awake, which is a function that most medical devices will not perform.

And then we have dogs such as Patra, a rottweiler/German shepherd mix from Missouri who could sense when her owner is about to have a seizure. She would warn her owner with an urgent nudge behind the knee 15 minutes before an impending seizure (some other seizure dogs are able to sense it hours beforehand). Nobody trains dogs to do this — some of them are just born with the ability.

Seizures suck, but getting a heads up and
licks/nuzzles to help recovery sucks less.

As for the others, well …

#4. Some Dogs Are Too Stupid To Be Service Animals

As with any program that requires hundreds of hours of demanding training, there are some washouts who can’t make the cut. Take Virgil the chocolate poodle, who spent much of 2012 training as an assistance dog for autistic kids. Virgil seemed to do fine in preliminary classes, but then the final exam rolled around, overseen by an administrator flown in from another city and held in a million-square-foot suburban mall on a Saturday afternoon. This is a less-than-ideal set of circumstances for all but the most obedient of dogs — a fact that Virgil emphatically proved by thunderously failing his exam.

The first part of the test, recalls his trainer Francey, consisted of basic commands, and a bunch of kids running around the mall proved much too distracting for Virgil’s concentration. Next came “behavioral obedience,” which consisted of the examiner dropping a scoop of ice cream next to the dog’s tail to see if he could resist eating it, which Virgil could not. Then came the part of the test wherein Virgil had to walk without Francey to see how he handled the separation, while Francey observed from a distance. Virgil responded by taking a shuddering dump on the shiny linoleum floor, which is an immediate disqualification (the vest that service animals wear is supposed to impart on them that it’s not pooping time, and that’s a big reason they’re allowed places other animals aren’t).

He’s still a good boy — just not at that job.

And so the career of Virgil the service dog came to a sudden, irrevocable end. Nowadays, he attacks hair clips and barks at toothbrushes as a D-list YouTube celebrity, which honestly is a better career trajectory than any human being who has shit themselves in public could expect.

Keep in mind, their standards for behavior have to be high because some of these dogs are in charge of saving their owners’ lives. For instance …

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/

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‘Go eat dog d*cks’: Bret Stephens’ debut column for the NYT has liberals MELTING DOWN

Why Are Cops Shooting Dogs? 5 Things You Should Know

Incredible! This Mans Dog Just Died But Hes Not Close Enough With His Coworkers To Tell Them!

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Main Difference Between Cats And Dogs

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Craig Strickland’s Family & Friends Remain Hopeful After His Dog Was Found Safe

This could be a good sign.

On Tuesday, the country crooner’s wife, Helen, took to Twitter to reveal that their dog, Sam, survived the scary situation, writing:

She also shared a snap of the 29-year-old’s lab. Take a look (below):

The brunette beauty first revealed that police found Sam on Monday, but didn’t explain that the pooch was alright, sharing:

Sam’s safe return has actually been really encouraging for the Backroad Anthem singer’s loved ones.

Bandmate Toby Freeman explained his optimism to People, saying:

“Craig’s dog being found alive is a very good sign. That’s a piece of hope that we’re actually clinging on to.”

The guitarist confessed that the pup’s survival was surprising because of his age, adding:

“Sam’s an older lab and for him to make it in such harsh conditions it’s just so amazing and we’re clinging on to that.”

The musician continued to say that he believes his friend and frontman could pull through, admitting:

“Anything that Craig put his mind to he could accomplish. He’s so passionate about his wife, his family, the band he had a fire in him for the things he loved.”

And authorities reportedly say that the mission is still a search and rescue, not a search and recover. We hope to hear more good news as the search unfolds.

Our thoughts are with everyone affected during this trying time.

[Image via Craig Strickland/Twitter.]

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Dogs Are Welcome In This Hotel

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Dog Vs Cat….the battle continues

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